That is Your Dream Not Mine!!

That is exactly what John said to me, when a friend suggested we come and live with them on their land for a time. Get out of town, into the country. They had plenty of food, so we would never go hungry. And they would show us how to make money.... Without having to work for a company nor having to stay in one place... and teach us how to convert a diesel engine into a veggie engine so we no longer had to worry about gas.

Does he think that I will give up my dreams to fulfill his?

Why cant we both have our dreams and live them together? Isn't that what living the good life together means?

All I want is to be free.

I believe John doesn't want to leave.. Maybe its because his family is here, his friends are here, and his job for the last 7 years is here. He has an umbilical cord attached to all these things. I cut my umbilical cord 4 months ago. I finally had the inner strength to live my life for me. It was very hard to leave everything behind, everyone I had known. I know that those of you who have been following our story since the beginning may know a bit about this. Let me refresh and give you the details I never gave...

Right after a very lonely birthday, I went to Schwagstock and it opened my eyes. I didn't have to live the way my family wanted to me to. I didn't have to take any more shit. My life was going straight down hill. I was even thinking of killing myself again. Yes, I have come very very close to dying by my own hands. It was time for true freedom. Yes, I cut the ties from all my friends, family, and everyone who knew my face or my hair. I didn't go to the store anymore. I wouldn't go anywhere for fear of being sucked back into it. Well, after about a month I finally started to do more, go more places, I even called my sister to wish her happy bday. After that, I knew that I could still live my own life and have some family too. But I wasn't going to let them drag me down. In fact, they didn't even try. We just chose not to talk about certain things. And that's the way it is now. But ever since I cut my ties with them I have felt like the wind..I can go and no one can stop me. I may love John but he will not stop me either. I am glad to have loved him and to have had allot of fun with him. But I will not change my dreams for him. I have worked and hurt too much to just let them go out the window....They can go out the window but I will be following them.

I'm sorry John I am sure that you will be reading this. I really do love you so much. But I am afraid that we are soon to part ways. Our bodies and minds traveled together for a time but I feel there maybe a split in the road coming up ahead. Thank you John for a wonderful 4 months.

I believe everything happens for a reason. I have always thought that but now, since my life has changed so profoundly, I not only believe it but I see it as truth. When something happens, I know it was meant to happen. Sometimes I do not understand why but then after a time it tells me why. I believe in reading the messages, putting them all together and trying to understand them.

Everything happens for a reason and every action has a reaction. Every path you chose to take, takes you somewhere.

My life is guided.

I am not led.